This Is My Life.........And It's Not A Pretty Story

my life still sux

2009-06-18T20:37:08Z

im servely depressed n i am more suicidal now my zoloft isnt workin y????im a bad mom n im FAT i star my fast tomorrow yay

DaNnY:(

2008-03-18T02:52:49Z

he was supost 2 fucking call me and ne ever fucking did wtf when will i be good enough for him?????!!!!:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

DaNnY;)

2008-03-17T02:15:18Z

yup he called me:)he comin over yay:):):)im so excited u know i cant waite....plz god let everything go his way and by the end of the night let it be the perfect nite:):):):):)

worthless i will always be

2008-03-15T01:39:18Z

im fat and stupid and many other bad things.im messed up and a single parent.not 2 mention a drop out and no job:(but what kills me the most is that i have no one u have no idea how lonely i am:(im dieing and idk what 2 do anymore this pain of mine is 2 much for me 2 handle on my own.im a bad mom.im sad all the time:(im tired of bein every guys fuck buddy....but it doesnt stop me from goin back 2 them at least this way im not lonely for that periode of time.i feel like im drowning in a pool and everyone ik is just standing around it watching me drown....they dont care about me no one does and hurts so much:(im broken and i need somone 2 fix me cuz idk how:(my cuts r gettin deeper maybe the next one might be my last.........i kinda hope so:(

DaNnY;)

2008-03-12T17:42:42Z

I WANT 2 SEE DANNY REALLY SOON I MISS HIM GET MY DRIFT;)

i want to hurt myself really bad

2008-01-06T02:17:30Z

i dont give a shit how but i want to die or idk i cant get any coke or anything cuz im fucking broke i need somthin anything 2 get me fucked up and i cant handle this fucking pain im dieing cant any of u see that im drowning here.....i have 2 waite for everybody 2 leave so i can get the knief...here they sharpen ik

IM SO FUCKING FAT RIGHT NOW OMG!!!!!!!!

2007-12-20T12:20:21Z

Yea so i gained 7 fucking lbs i can't believe this shit really i weighed myself last night 97.4lbs:(:(:(I purged my breakfast this morning and im not gonna have anything for the rest of the day!!!!!im gonna try and get a small bottle of vodka myself only.:)hopefuly it works out as planned....um im so cold right now gosh it's like what 60 outside lol.im sad cuz my friend is being mean 2 me says i dont like him but i do and have told *** that but i guess thats not good enough for me it seems everything i do it just never good enough for any of u fucking ppl and it's difficult on me and very stressful and no one cares.so fuck all of u i dont fucking care anymore u dont like how i do shit o well then dont bother talking 2 me anymore i dont need this shit not now.im gonna go have a drink now maybe i'll feel little happy:)BYE FOR NOW:()

Think THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-10T23:44:13Z

I WEIGH 93.0:):):):):)I LOST WEIGHT !!!

when will i be good enough for you?

2007-12-09T20:02:00Z

im not happy right now i need some now i've havn't had any all day and im goin insane!!!!ok so i got a message and i feel a little happy:)im so sick of guys using me i want a relationship.....im not a pice of meat 2 be passed around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yea it's nice having them hit on u and wnt 2 chill with ya but.........i want what the other gurls have it's i feel like im not good enough for anyone:(and it hurts so much 2 feel this pain seems like i'll never be good enough for anyone:(

im not okay

2007-12-07T17:58:22Z

yea so 12/4/07 was i first time i did snow and then did it again and hopeful today i'll be able 2 do it again:/ im not happy nd im not okay.....right now i feel really suicidal and i want 2 hurt myself really bad right now.....i might.i yelled at my inscont baby saying i hate him and he is nothin 2 me and all that shit.....i should be punished for yelling at him like that.i feel like shit i feel like im fat and ugly and just not good enough for anyone and it hurts me so much:(im gonna cut myself so deep that i'll bleed 2 death:)

I dont want 2 loose my baby for good:(

2007-12-02T08:03:24Z

the father of my baby is trying 2 take my son way from me....cuz him and his family dont want my son living with my mom they want my son 2 live with them instead....bullshit:(i cant talk about it anymore im gonna do somthin stupid so i'll try again later:(

Dave Matthews&Tim Reynolds :CRUSH LYRICS

2007-11-25T06:56:14Z

Crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright love I LUV THIS FREAKIN SONG!!!!!!
Crush me with the things you do
And I do for you anything too
Sitting smoking feeling high
And in this moment it feels so right

Lovely lady
I am at your feet
God I want you so badly
And I wonder this
Could tomorrow be
So wondrous as you there sleeping
Let's go drive 'till morning comes
And watch the sunrise and fill our souls up
Drink some wine 'till we get drunk

It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming

Lovely lady
Let me drink you please
Won't spill a drop, no, I promise you
Lying under this spell you cast on me
Each moment
The more I love you
Crush me
Come on, oh yeah

It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is this real or am I dreaming

Lovely lady
I will treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me
And it's times like these
When my faith I feel
And I know how I love you
Come on, Come on
Baby

It's crazy I'm thinking
just as long as you're around
And here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
My love
By love
We'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
Each moment the more I love you

Crush me
Come on
Baby
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Oh my love
Meaning I'll hold you
But please please let me always

Up All Night

2007-11-25T06:50:23Z

im not going 2 be tonight....cuz im not comfortable here it's weird well not really i just wish i was at daivd's.i miss him so much right now shit im a little obsessed with this guy i think i don't think thats good?Any who he got me into Dvave Matthews lolif i listen 2 them i feel a little closer 2 daivd even though were far apart right now:(But yea i luv the songs and that this dave guy is really good:)So i weigh 90.6!!!!!!!:):):)But then i had 2 go and ofcorse EAT so im 91.2:(:(:(:(:( But i plan on looseing that 1 pound tonight hopefuly that is.i just feel like im not perfect or good enough for him and idk what 2 do what can i fix 2 make me perfect for him????

:/

2007-11-22T22:56:10Z

So........im sick.I need help with my ED.....but im scared in a way and i don't want it in a way too.Idk i started 2 blackout in the shower today:(i got so scared and it just kept happening so i wasn't abl;e 2 finish my shower.im alright now i think.been drinking lots of water.my friend told me that i look really sick cuz of my back i was bending over on the ground cuz i couldn't walk and he was like u look like a dog that has been starved.everybody here is mad at me cuz im never home and always sleeping over at someones house....i feel so comfortable over at my friends place and i feel some what happy inside he makes me happy so happy:)just thinking about him makes me smile lol.my baby's sis wants me 2 move out:)/:(idk whats goin go down tonight but ik they r all mad at me cuz i want my son 2 stay here with me 2 spend time with me instead of going 2 some stranger house and look at all the good food he cant have yet cuz he is only 8 months one tiny little tooth i mean come on!!!!im leaveing in a few hours hopeful if i can get a hold of gas money cuz im on empty lol.

i miss david:(

2007-11-19T19:09:12Z

Im so fucking FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i miss david right now so freakin much:(:(:(:(:(:(..................

Update on cw:/

2007-11-10T20:24:44Z

cw:92.4
lw:above
gw:77.0:)

Im getting their slowly:)

2007-11-09T12:52:36Z

If i take a caffeine pill and a zantrex3 diet pill i loose weight like last night i gained weight and weighed 95.8 and now i weigh 94.0 probley 93.6 now yup:)M y goal is 77lbs:)And i will fucking reach it too!!!!!!!Im a 00 :):):):):):)But their is no 000 so what do i do when 00 is too big?I feel great knowing im loosing all this weight the feeling is good lol my stomache is hungry:)Im changing the old ashley is so history let me tell u.I need 2 get fucked up been a little over a year since i was drunk drunk lol i remember that day omg what a good night that was:)Well im gonna go do somthin bye for now bitch's:)

Britney Spears

2007-11-09T12:42:13Z

Hey all!I got britney's cd yesturday and luv it!!!!!My fav song is piece of me & gimme more.

i miss davide so much:(

2007-11-06T01:36:42Z

i miss davide........so much:( sometimes i cry it will just happen anywhere even a store:(he was everything i wanted and i lost him cuz of the way i acted but that wasnt me and i never got 2 tell him that:(im so sad and i lost some pounds cuz i've been so upset lately and he did it on a bad day too:(i miss hanging out with him,the hugs,and when he told me i looked pretty today....i'll finish writing tomorrow i have 2 go slit my wriste till i feel better....i might take some pills idk yet yea so i'll pass out i cant handle thinking about this sad shit anymore i'll kill myself if i have 2 do another 1min:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

i evected today and have one week 2 move out:(

2007-10-24T19:42:33Z

omg idk what 2 do:(:(:(....im homeless with my baby....i cant stop crying.i hate everything so much:(

I feel so betrayed

2007-10-21T21:00:34Z

well first he is all i don't this is gonna work out ur too young for me and imature and what not!!!!!!then he askes me out wtf!!!!im still so so hurt inside cuz of what he said and plus when i saide i wasn't gonna go home so my mom can go 2 work he fucking kicked me out...he clearly doesn't understand what im going through daily ok.everyday is a fucking struggle for me ok and i can't take much longer of all this shit.....i feel like im goin insane....i feel like a different person now like this is not the real ashley here....just some stranger:(i wish he would just understand make things so much eaiser....guess im gonna have 2 keep my secrets from him for now at least he doesn't need 2 know about my ED,self abuse ect...

IM SO FUCKING STRESSED!!!!!!!!

2007-10-17T00:33:44Z

Im so mad right now two whole fucking months about my car that was promised i'll have forever!!!ppl saying oh ashley u really need 2 gain weight ur too skinny/being that thin is bad for ur body blh blah blah im so sick!!!!!!i can't keep going on this way anymore im going insane i can't handle this i just can't it's too hard and im stressing out every sec i can't breath!i refuse 2 feel the pain from all this i refuse 2 be here!im starting 2 feel dead again........

98lbs!

2007-10-15T22:38:08Z

Omg im hungry which is good cuz im burning calories:)I weigh 98lbs right now and hoping by late tonight i'll 97lbs hope:)87lbs here i come!I've been having cravings.....2 cut.I just feel so down on myself i want 2 do it so bad i think im gonna after my shower....a deep one.

My Date Last Night:)

2007-10-13T14:00:13Z

Yea so i went on a date last night........he is 7yrs older than me..lol.The age doesn't matter at all 2 me.Um....i had fun ,he is funny and not quite lol.Wich is a good thing cuz im all shy and quite until i really get 2 know and feel comfortable around them,but i hope feel that way real soon cuz he is nice and that:)But the only thing that bothered was that i kinda feel like he was rushing me into things like he kept trying 2 kiss and had his arms kinda all over me but not really...just a little.I hate that 2!Only cuz i've had really bad experience with guys wich i think is the reason why i am the way today with the whole dating and what not.So that has set me back some steps but...yea:( He wants 2 make things more serious and asked if there was a possible date two.I want 2 go out with him again...Im still nervous and that so it kinda makes things hard.I have a wall up 2 protect me from those assholes..i just don't know when 2 let my gard down cuz last time i did that very quick and look what happen 2 me:(Slow and steady wins the race..i wanna take things very slow i feel a little safe doing it this way dumb?I guess im just scared of getting hurt again yea thats it.Well if he asks me out again i'll yes but tell him i wanna take things slowly and that.I wonder what our next date will be like and what well do hmmm im excited lol:)Oh but ihave a prolem and thats esteban he is so mad at me cuz nobody is aking him out and that and feel his pain believe me i do and i don't know how 2 help him cuz everything i say makes him roll his eyes and what not..it just makes me sad im trying to be happy and he is destroying that step!!!!I don't know what 2 do.I feel horrible for him and that i want him 2 be happy 2 ok and idk anymore.Anyways i come home from my date last night i decided 2 leave at one after the south park was over i just had 2 see it lol..so i come home esteban gives me the shitty look im still at the door and he gives me andrew and goes 2 bed and im suppost 2 feed him,diaper,put him 2 sleep and wash bottles!!!!!!WTF!!!And i did all that stuff..after 2am i was finaly able 2 go 2 bed and guess who has the whole damn bed thats right esteban!I was so mad so letting me do that to me then to take my bed i was like HELL NO!!!But i was wat 2 tired 2 push him off the bed.So i just climbed over him and went 2 sleep.Now this morning he wouldn't get up or anything so ofcorse i fed andrew and got him dress and all that.I needed his help with andrew major diaper ok and andrew was a worm esteban herd me he said but he just decided 2 ingour me!!!!!Right now im pissed as hell and want 2 just kick him him in his balls no more kids for him!LOL. Bye For Now:)

I Want Someone 2

2007-10-06T00:09:07Z

I hate my life it sucks!Im so weak in every way im a fucking looser!!!!!!!!Im not ok im just not and i don't know what 2 do or what 2 think.I just don't want 2 be alone anymore...........i guess what im saying is i want someone 2 luv me for me and give me the attention i need and make me happy 24/7 thats what i need...thats what i want!